After the incredible success of the book ‘Ladies Coupe’, any regular fiction reader (especially if she is a woman) won’t have second thoughts before picking up Anita Nair’s work. While Ladies coupe dealt with the sensitive issue of inequality suffered by women in this era of vocal feminism; Lessons in Forgetting, Anita Nair’s fourth book, offered something much deeper and complex than it. The theme of this novel, if asked to be described in a cliché caption; would be ‘moving on in life’. Keeping her contemporary style intact, Anita Nair manages to spin out two poles apart stories quite wonderfully in the book.
Along with the captivating title, the cover of the book evokes more curiosity in the minds of a reader. In the lighter shade of black, the paperback shows naked body of a girl lying on a bed; wrapped in a white sheet and curled up in a fetal posture. Bright light is streaming through the white curtains hanged at the side wall. The dark body and the dark walls in comparison with the white sheet and the white blinds, manages to convey in a quick glance that this story might speak of ineffectualness, culpability or weakness. Though these random guesses are proven quite right at a certain point in the narrative, but along with such feebleness, Anita Nair also tries to convey how important it is to keep bestowing opportunities to life in order to live happily.
Lessons in Forgetting narrate a tale of two individuals, who manages to work through all the odds. Though at several stages it seems they might end their lives rather than living it in bits n parts, but thanks to their never ending willingness, both tries hard to ‘live’ their life rather than just ‘surviving’ like many others in the society. The story is about a perfect corporate wife staying in a hotbed of corporate cushiness with her family at an Indian metro city. She is just not a great home maker, but has got an exceptional professional career as a cook book writer too. Meera, the female protagonist is one of those out of the ordinary Indian woman, who play all roles of her life quite terrifically. Being the mother of two argumentative teenage kids, being the daughter of always complaining grandmother-mother duo, being a role model for many wanna be cooks and being the wife of a secretive husband; the protagonist manages to win hearts within few pages.
The plot of the novel get a hold when Meera’s fairytale life gets upside down after mysterious disappearance of her husband from a party which they both were attending. From hours to months when no news about her husband turn up, Meera gives up hopes of his return. She lives in “the Lilac House”, a colonial bungalow that’s been in her family for half a century and which kept creating a bone of contention between her and her husband. When the regular fights between them turns into a separation, Meera’s new phase comes alive; a role she had never played, but as usual manages to succeed in it too. Bringing a novel plot in this open end suspense story, Anita Nair introduces Jak, an intense and resilient NRI professor whose teenage daughter Smriti slumps in comma after visiting sea side Indian town with her boyfriend. Jak, a cyclone study expert by profession suffers a terrible blow when he returns from USA and looked at the wretched the body of his elder daughter who came to India to pursue further studies. Jak sole purpose of life becomes to find out the events that lead her nineteen year old daughter turned into a brain- dead vegetable. Author draws metaphoric parallels with cyclonic turmoil with the tragedies faced by Jak.
Two out of the line narratives of different individuals suffering unimaginable troubles comes in contact and Anita Nair beautifully weaves these distinctive tales together. She uses back and forth technique to relate protagonist’s life and struggle. Giri, Meera’s husband approaches the family after a long gap and reveals how unsatisfied and suffocated he felt with Meera, though she proved to be an excellent mother and an outstanding wife, but love disappeared from their relationship, which Meera never noticed. The woman who has never made special efforts to look extra beautiful after her marriage, first time started noticing the change in her appearance after Giri left her. She had a job, a caring family, yet love left her in form of Giri. Anita makes contrived comparisons of Meera with Heera, greek goddess of love and marriage. How a perfect looking marriage for one could turn out to be incomplete because of betrayal from the other partner.
Focusing on the Jak’s story, author elaborates the plot by narrating roughed upbringing he had. Prof Jak faced a tough childhood as his parents failed marriage never let him understand the meaning of happy family. His father left him and his mother to embrace spirituality but as a hopeful wife all her life she waited for him to come back to them. Her regular visits to highly acclaim spiritual places, fasting, sacrificing and praying consistently for his return made Jak hate the idea of marriage. But later he fell in love with an Indian girl and settled down in USA where he earned a good reputation but his heart remained in India forever. Anita Nair’s biggest strength as a writer lies in the fact that she can vividly bring alive our everyday thoughts, actions and desires.
The characters in the novel are carved out beautifully by Nair. Women have played a dominate role in the story, may it be Meera, the protagonist, her actress grandmother-mother duo, young yet courageous Smriti, Jak’s dedicated mother or Kala Chithi, Jak’s care taker since childhood. All the women had their own tragic story to tell, yet all were enchanting. Each character’s tale gets shaped slowly leaving a long lasting effect on the readers mind. Though the story is set in urban India, Anita has managed to explore the side of rural India too with the help of Jak’s mother or Kala chithi’s narratives. Anita makes relevant connections between the theme and the characters of the book.
A twist of the fate brings Meera and Jak work together at Jak’s house in Bangalore. New beginning crop up in the face of adversities in their lives when they discovered each other’s saga and understand the fact that sometimes one has to give second chance to life and forgive people who have hurt you. The story includes female feticide, betrayal by partners and friends, love & dependence on family members, corporate-page three parties and accepting certain unimaginable things which are often considered forbidden in the society. Anita Nair’s narrative style is quite exemplary.
As the story unfolds, Nair put the fact to a test that two negative people can try and make a positive, happy life. Meera and Jak’s broken lives manage to bring love, companionship and trust between them. They decided to move on in life by accepting the hard truths and making fresh beginnings together. When a companion joins hand and walk along the paths which are often impossible for one to have a look at, makes life easy to live with the partner. Meera swallows the fact that the relationship which she started with huge celebration might have ended in a rotten way, but it was good for both the spouses. Her husband lost interest in her and even she did, but failed to recognize it. Jak gradually manages to discover the truth behind his daughter’s accident. With regular interventions with Smriti’s friends, Jak reaches to the root cause of her daughter’s worse condition. The fact his daughter fought courageously for truth and aided help to suppressed girls made him prouder than he was ever of Smriti. Within many conversations the characters have in the novel, the real truths about lives are unfolded by the author.
Anita Nair offered a magnum opus to her readers through the brilliantly carved story of ‘Lessons in Forgetting’. Language is simple, and Anita chooses to keep a moderate pace. Through tremendously dense plot and varied characterization, author elaborates the problems of domestic life and discusses the different phases in life of a woman. From parenthood, friendship, marriage, Anita conveys the message of forgiveness required in each relationship. Anita seems to have put a lot of thinking into her writing. Through this tale, she conveys lessons of life especially during the darker phase where one’s mind gets bruised with negativity. The book has achieved an incredible success because it conveys how willpower to overcome adverse circumstances can bring freshness in one’s lives.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
You hit me once, I hit you back!
There is a famous reality show on a popular Indian music channel, based on the idea; ‘get revenge in a bloody cool way.’ The concept of the show is that jilted lovers arrange for their ex-lover to be ‘damned for the day’ and undergo torturous pranks, in retaliation for cheating on them or dumping them. The broken hearted partner experiences great joy in witnessing their ex-lover suffering or getting ripped off. For the heartsick lover it seems justified to make their ex-lover taste the bitterness of hellfire. (aka eternal damnation) Thus, the conventional mantra is, you strike me once; I will strike you back twice!
We all have virtuous qualities as well as some rather gross qualities within us. Human beings are vengeful by nature. It would be wrong to say that we have become more violent and vindictive because we are living in Kalyug (The Dark Age). Mughal emperors from the East, to the Nazis from the West, George Bush from the Superpower nation, right down to Osama Bin Laden from the third world country; ‘everyone’ chose revenge over mercy.
Quoting lyrics of a popular song by Florence and the Machine; “You hit me once, I hit you back. You gave a kick, I gave a slap”. The song illustrates the fact that we all have the seed of retaliation inside us. We all, at times, desire to seek revenge from people who have back-stabbed or hoodwinked us. In this way, we become ruthless and give birth to negative emotions, thoughts and eventually actions.
Often revenge creates a vicious cycle and is carried out by later generations like in the case of Japanese Samurais. Unfortunately, it is basic human instinct to want to seek revenge on those who have wronged you. If you don’t retaliate, you could be labeled a wimp because, due to popular belief, it is justified to tear down those who have wronged you.
But the crucial questions are; does revenge calm our nerves down forever? Will we get freedom from our grief stricken agony? Will we experience bliss or the feeling of deep satisfaction? For a short time, undoubtedly, we might feel ecstatic with joy but in a long run, we would still feel uneasy. We would feel crushed between the twinge of cheating and the sweetness of revenge.
Chinese philosopher Confucius has said, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.” Revenge is self destructive. Retaliation means playing with the pain rather than trying to heal it. The day we forgive and move on in life, we will be stricken with an acute spasm of generosity. We don’t need to juice up our emotions to give back to the offender. If we pray for them and have placed our trust in God, then we shouldn’t feel the need to invite a negative force like vengeance into our lives, ever.
The modern, civilized clan of people approach the arbitrary man made institutions for seeking revenge. We all forget that in the court of the Lord, each sinner would get punished and each virtuous soul will get rewarded. But for that we need to have faith in the law of karmas which determines every soul’s destiny. The saying “whatever you plant, you shall harvest” shouldn’t just remain as a moral lesson taught to young kids. Rather we should become a living example for our children by practicing it.
A purified mind cultivates peace, holiness and greater strength in it. An impure or weak mind can become consumed with planning an act of revenge. In life, our inner strength is put through its paces at various junctions where we have to choose between forgetting, forgiving and vengeance. Forgetting means denial of forgiveness. It is like keeping the revenge somewhere back of our mind. To overcome the rampage, we have to bless the offender with divine forgiveness, and only then we shall achieve nirvana. Always remember, the act of forgiveness is going to bring greater contentment to us rather than anyone else.
Saint poet Kabir has said “jhagra nitahi barayiye, jhagra buri balai; dukh upje chinta dahe, jhagra men ghar jai”. Always make an effort to avoid quarrel as it produces evil consequences; it creates suffering, consumes us with worries, and destroys our home. Forgiveness is the best solution to live in peace. If we would keep thinking of settling our scores with people, we would surely invite never ending anger, ego, anxiety, humiliation and bunch of other harmful feelings to our mind. Such a negative set of self generated feelings will lead us into a cycle of hell and of darkness.
Josh Billings has said, “There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.” Let us not remain caged in the rage. We can cut out bitterness from our mind only by forgiving others. Forgiveness will decrease our burden and shall give us many reasons to smile, to prosper and to feel good. God can forgive millions of our mistakes and still keep blessing us, then why can’t we follow in the footsteps of our supreme Lord?
We all have virtuous qualities as well as some rather gross qualities within us. Human beings are vengeful by nature. It would be wrong to say that we have become more violent and vindictive because we are living in Kalyug (The Dark Age). Mughal emperors from the East, to the Nazis from the West, George Bush from the Superpower nation, right down to Osama Bin Laden from the third world country; ‘everyone’ chose revenge over mercy.
Quoting lyrics of a popular song by Florence and the Machine; “You hit me once, I hit you back. You gave a kick, I gave a slap”. The song illustrates the fact that we all have the seed of retaliation inside us. We all, at times, desire to seek revenge from people who have back-stabbed or hoodwinked us. In this way, we become ruthless and give birth to negative emotions, thoughts and eventually actions.
Often revenge creates a vicious cycle and is carried out by later generations like in the case of Japanese Samurais. Unfortunately, it is basic human instinct to want to seek revenge on those who have wronged you. If you don’t retaliate, you could be labeled a wimp because, due to popular belief, it is justified to tear down those who have wronged you.
But the crucial questions are; does revenge calm our nerves down forever? Will we get freedom from our grief stricken agony? Will we experience bliss or the feeling of deep satisfaction? For a short time, undoubtedly, we might feel ecstatic with joy but in a long run, we would still feel uneasy. We would feel crushed between the twinge of cheating and the sweetness of revenge.
Chinese philosopher Confucius has said, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.” Revenge is self destructive. Retaliation means playing with the pain rather than trying to heal it. The day we forgive and move on in life, we will be stricken with an acute spasm of generosity. We don’t need to juice up our emotions to give back to the offender. If we pray for them and have placed our trust in God, then we shouldn’t feel the need to invite a negative force like vengeance into our lives, ever.
The modern, civilized clan of people approach the arbitrary man made institutions for seeking revenge. We all forget that in the court of the Lord, each sinner would get punished and each virtuous soul will get rewarded. But for that we need to have faith in the law of karmas which determines every soul’s destiny. The saying “whatever you plant, you shall harvest” shouldn’t just remain as a moral lesson taught to young kids. Rather we should become a living example for our children by practicing it.
A purified mind cultivates peace, holiness and greater strength in it. An impure or weak mind can become consumed with planning an act of revenge. In life, our inner strength is put through its paces at various junctions where we have to choose between forgetting, forgiving and vengeance. Forgetting means denial of forgiveness. It is like keeping the revenge somewhere back of our mind. To overcome the rampage, we have to bless the offender with divine forgiveness, and only then we shall achieve nirvana. Always remember, the act of forgiveness is going to bring greater contentment to us rather than anyone else.
Saint poet Kabir has said “jhagra nitahi barayiye, jhagra buri balai; dukh upje chinta dahe, jhagra men ghar jai”. Always make an effort to avoid quarrel as it produces evil consequences; it creates suffering, consumes us with worries, and destroys our home. Forgiveness is the best solution to live in peace. If we would keep thinking of settling our scores with people, we would surely invite never ending anger, ego, anxiety, humiliation and bunch of other harmful feelings to our mind. Such a negative set of self generated feelings will lead us into a cycle of hell and of darkness.
Josh Billings has said, “There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.” Let us not remain caged in the rage. We can cut out bitterness from our mind only by forgiving others. Forgiveness will decrease our burden and shall give us many reasons to smile, to prosper and to feel good. God can forgive millions of our mistakes and still keep blessing us, then why can’t we follow in the footsteps of our supreme Lord?
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Heal‘thy’ Mind
In India, it is believed that a human being has to take a total of 84 lakh births before being born as a human. He starts with the lowest level of bacteria and moves up gradually as plants, animals and then as the developed type existing to-day. What makes him more efficacious than the other species on this planet is the ability to reason, the talent to question, the finesse to think rationally and the passion to hunt for elegant solutions. Thus, the greatest blessing to man from the Al Mighty is the human “Mind”, residing in our three pound brain. Whatever happens in this world begins with a thought hatched in the fountainhead of our brain!
The Power of thoughts- often we read or hear these four words from our spiritual gurus, motivational speakers or inspiring writers each day. The crystallized version of all positive thinking books ‘The Secret’ by Rhonda Byrne was on Amazon’s top 100 bestsellers list for over 1000 days. The data affirms that not only a handful of esoteric people but also a lot many of us are aware of this fact that each thought counts to shape our lives. Each thought that emanates from our thought process moves to the universe and has a dynamic force to create what we desire, eventually improving the quality of our life.
But I am not going to recapitulate those top notch mantras of positive thinking. Neither I am going to discuss any popular nostrum which is already known to us and nor am I going to bounce off the psychological research of neuroplasticity (the brain’s ability to restructure itself after training or practice.) Rather, I am going to talk about negative thinking! At the face of it, I might sound staggering for an iota of second, but later you would understand that just by making the phrase “think positive” a part of our vernacular doesn’t purport that we have stricken the chord.
We are always guided to think positively and asked to choose our thoughts carefully, but there is hardly anyone who tries to steer us to ‘conquer’ our negative thinking! It is tragic when people recommend us to stop ruminating when we are in a maze of doubt, which is quite an absurd idea because an organ like brain can stop working or become dormant but mind is a procreator of thoughts, perceptions, visions, consciousness, memory and imagination which can desist at Samadhi or death bed only. Thus, the mind needs a great deal of groundwork to cultivate constructive thoughts.
In the first place we need emotional untangling for personal growth and self development. To understand each emotion and to balance & integrate the head and heart is the most vital step towards removing the negativity from our minds. We need to acknowledge and make sense of our feelings so that we can accurately respond to them, but this requires a lot of tolerance and patience on our part.
The conditioned mind can not be changed within a few days by babbling “think positive”; as a matter of fact it requires a lot of meditation, introspection, spiritual peace, avoidance use of negative words in our speech and effort to read inspirational books regularly to nurture our mind.
The mind conditioned to think negatively distracts us from our focus and drains our energy. Here I would like to cite an example of a female sphex wasp who leaves her egg sealed in a burrow alongside a paralyzed grasshopper, which her lava can eat when lava hatches. But before bringing the grasshopper in the burrow, she leaves it at the entrance, inspects the burrow and then drags the grasshopper inside by its antennae. But Charles Darwin discovered that if the grasshopper’s antennae are removed the wasp will not drag it into the burrow, even though the legs could serve the same function as the antennae.
This explains how a slight change in the quotidian work makes a human being fall into pieces. As human beings, we have the endowment to think perspicaciously and make better decisions; unfortunately we end up behaving like the female sphex wasp. It is the conditioning of our mind that dictates our perceptions of reality.
To gain control over the functioning of our thoughts, primarily we need to de-condition the mind and stop behaving as if we were programmed. Indelibly it is a slow process but once we start believing and practicing it religiously, we can decrease or eventually finish the momentum of our negative emotions and thoughts. When we start convincing ourselves not to follow certain type of behavior during adverse circumstances, we start heading in the vicinity of neutral ideation from the negative. This is a watershed moment in our lives as we bulldoze our ways to bring a constructive change in our thought process.
When the snake charmer removes the poisonous fangs of the snake, his attitude towards the snake double back because he becomes a dauntless commander from a petrified hunter. Though the snake remains the same, it hisses, shows the teeth, flicks its tongue but the feeling that it has got no poisonous fangs, alter the outlook of the snake charmer. Similarly, when we remove the poisonous fangs of negativity from our emotions, thoughts or consciousness, we become bodacious like the snake charmer and channelise our mind towards optimism.
Quoting a beautiful saying by Guru Nanak Dev (the founder of Sikh faith) “Through shallow intellect, the mind becomes shallow, and one eats the fly, along with the sweets.” The Guru conveys a mesmeric message that a fly feeds itself on sweets, but when it consumes too much of it, the very sweetness becomes the reason for its death. Likewise, humans are controlled by a negative emotion called desire. This covetousness makes man selfish and kills the enrichment of mind. In the same way if we keep feeding our already conditioned mind with negative thoughts, the negativism would exterminate our peacefulness by making us feel suffocated and squelching our spiritual growth.
Make a wise decision from today to heal ’thy’ mind by eliminating negativity and embracing proactive outlook towards life. In any case, it doesn’t mean that our life will become a bed of roses, but it will give us more fortitude, optimism and persistency to ameliorate the thorny phases of life.
The Power of thoughts- often we read or hear these four words from our spiritual gurus, motivational speakers or inspiring writers each day. The crystallized version of all positive thinking books ‘The Secret’ by Rhonda Byrne was on Amazon’s top 100 bestsellers list for over 1000 days. The data affirms that not only a handful of esoteric people but also a lot many of us are aware of this fact that each thought counts to shape our lives. Each thought that emanates from our thought process moves to the universe and has a dynamic force to create what we desire, eventually improving the quality of our life.
But I am not going to recapitulate those top notch mantras of positive thinking. Neither I am going to discuss any popular nostrum which is already known to us and nor am I going to bounce off the psychological research of neuroplasticity (the brain’s ability to restructure itself after training or practice.) Rather, I am going to talk about negative thinking! At the face of it, I might sound staggering for an iota of second, but later you would understand that just by making the phrase “think positive” a part of our vernacular doesn’t purport that we have stricken the chord.
We are always guided to think positively and asked to choose our thoughts carefully, but there is hardly anyone who tries to steer us to ‘conquer’ our negative thinking! It is tragic when people recommend us to stop ruminating when we are in a maze of doubt, which is quite an absurd idea because an organ like brain can stop working or become dormant but mind is a procreator of thoughts, perceptions, visions, consciousness, memory and imagination which can desist at Samadhi or death bed only. Thus, the mind needs a great deal of groundwork to cultivate constructive thoughts.
In the first place we need emotional untangling for personal growth and self development. To understand each emotion and to balance & integrate the head and heart is the most vital step towards removing the negativity from our minds. We need to acknowledge and make sense of our feelings so that we can accurately respond to them, but this requires a lot of tolerance and patience on our part.
The conditioned mind can not be changed within a few days by babbling “think positive”; as a matter of fact it requires a lot of meditation, introspection, spiritual peace, avoidance use of negative words in our speech and effort to read inspirational books regularly to nurture our mind.
The mind conditioned to think negatively distracts us from our focus and drains our energy. Here I would like to cite an example of a female sphex wasp who leaves her egg sealed in a burrow alongside a paralyzed grasshopper, which her lava can eat when lava hatches. But before bringing the grasshopper in the burrow, she leaves it at the entrance, inspects the burrow and then drags the grasshopper inside by its antennae. But Charles Darwin discovered that if the grasshopper’s antennae are removed the wasp will not drag it into the burrow, even though the legs could serve the same function as the antennae.
This explains how a slight change in the quotidian work makes a human being fall into pieces. As human beings, we have the endowment to think perspicaciously and make better decisions; unfortunately we end up behaving like the female sphex wasp. It is the conditioning of our mind that dictates our perceptions of reality.
To gain control over the functioning of our thoughts, primarily we need to de-condition the mind and stop behaving as if we were programmed. Indelibly it is a slow process but once we start believing and practicing it religiously, we can decrease or eventually finish the momentum of our negative emotions and thoughts. When we start convincing ourselves not to follow certain type of behavior during adverse circumstances, we start heading in the vicinity of neutral ideation from the negative. This is a watershed moment in our lives as we bulldoze our ways to bring a constructive change in our thought process.
When the snake charmer removes the poisonous fangs of the snake, his attitude towards the snake double back because he becomes a dauntless commander from a petrified hunter. Though the snake remains the same, it hisses, shows the teeth, flicks its tongue but the feeling that it has got no poisonous fangs, alter the outlook of the snake charmer. Similarly, when we remove the poisonous fangs of negativity from our emotions, thoughts or consciousness, we become bodacious like the snake charmer and channelise our mind towards optimism.
Quoting a beautiful saying by Guru Nanak Dev (the founder of Sikh faith) “Through shallow intellect, the mind becomes shallow, and one eats the fly, along with the sweets.” The Guru conveys a mesmeric message that a fly feeds itself on sweets, but when it consumes too much of it, the very sweetness becomes the reason for its death. Likewise, humans are controlled by a negative emotion called desire. This covetousness makes man selfish and kills the enrichment of mind. In the same way if we keep feeding our already conditioned mind with negative thoughts, the negativism would exterminate our peacefulness by making us feel suffocated and squelching our spiritual growth.
Make a wise decision from today to heal ’thy’ mind by eliminating negativity and embracing proactive outlook towards life. In any case, it doesn’t mean that our life will become a bed of roses, but it will give us more fortitude, optimism and persistency to ameliorate the thorny phases of life.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Child Sexual-Abuse
Silent night, holy night- goes the Christmas carol. But is this silent night always a holy night? Year 2006, month January, elderly Ramkishan walks into his neighbor’s house and offers to baby-sit their 10 month old daughter for the night. The young couple, happy to be relieved of their duties for a night, gladly hand over the infant. They do get her back the next morning, but bleeding. Her uterus severely damaged as she has been repeatedly raped and sodomised.
‘Welcome to the world of child sexual abuse’, where children are terrorized and brutalized by the very people who are supposed to keep them safe. We teach our children to trust only those they know, but what if those they know are the ones they should not trust? What if it’s the smiling relative by the day who becomes their bogyman at night? A highly charged battle is being waged today in our nation’s courtrooms, universities and living rooms. This battle is about ensuring ‘Child Protection’. Seems to be easy, doesn’t it? All you have to do is put yourself in your child’s shoes and sense where the dangers could possibly lie. But you might get paranoid on discovering that most of the dangers lie within. 13-state National Study on Child Sexual Abuse released in 2007 conducted by the Ministry of Women and Child Development, UNICEF and Save The Children reported that 69 per cent of all Indian children are victims of physical, mental or emotional abuse, with New Delhi’s children facing an astounding abuse rate of 83.12 percent. The study by the South India Cell for Human Rights Education and Monitoring reported in 2011 that one woman molested every 26 minutes in India. 2 rapes take place every hour in our country and 1 in 5 victims is a child.
No more can we pretend that child abuse is restricted to remote villages in backwards areas. Rich or poor, urban or rural, boy or girl, 50% of child sexual abuse happens at home, inflicted mostly by chachas , mamas, close relatives, friends or servants of the family. The fact is that child abuse is India’s deepest and worst kept secret. And the bitter truth that is most families immediately drop a veil of secrecy over such incidents. An abused child, even if he has the courage to come up and tell his tale is either disbelieved or worse believed and asked to shuhh! ‘The family honour is at stake’. 71 per cent of sexual assault cases in India go unreported.
The extreme level of denial on part of the parents and fear on the part of the children that exists in most Indian homes often protects the abusers. They used to say it takes a village to raise a child, but today it takes a whole nation. The need of the hour is not to sensationalize but sensitize our children to the dangers rampant around them. The first question the Indian Prime Minister needs to ask his ministers today is not “How is the economy growing?” rather “How are the children growing?” Because if children are not growing well, we shall have sick traumatized adults struggling with various emotional disorders like depression, denial, disassociation and difficult relationships. Sexual abuse is another form of terrorism which must not be tolerated for another year, another day, another hour.
One hundred years from now, it will not matter what our bank accounts we had, the sort of house we lived in, or the kind of car we drove. But the world matter is how we brought up our child because that might make the world a better place to live in. We have to live up to the sacred faith reposed in us by our vulnerable little ones by making them feel secured, loved and well looked after. Some soul searching is badly required.
Are we really in constant, open communication with our children regarding their behavioral changes? Are we really in our children’s circle of trust, offering them unconditional love and support? Are we listening and believing them and not just shutting them up by saying ‘don’t talk rubbish about your elders’? Are we concerned and bold enough to take steps to help Misty a midst? (Below is the poem I once read on net.)
My name is Misty, I am but three,
My eyes are swollen, I cannot see.
I must not be loved, for I am punished with cigarette butts.
I must do right, I can’t do wrong,
Or else I am lockup, all week long.
When I awake, I am alone,
The house is dark, my folks are gone.
Be quiet now, I hear a car,
My dad is back from Charlie’s Bar.
I hear him curse, my name he calls,
I squeeze myself, against the wall.
On my bed, it’s too late,
His face is twisted into hate.
I feel the pain again and again.
Oh dear god! Please let it end.
My name is misty, I am but three,
Last night my farther, murdered me…
‘Welcome to the world of child sexual abuse’, where children are terrorized and brutalized by the very people who are supposed to keep them safe. We teach our children to trust only those they know, but what if those they know are the ones they should not trust? What if it’s the smiling relative by the day who becomes their bogyman at night? A highly charged battle is being waged today in our nation’s courtrooms, universities and living rooms. This battle is about ensuring ‘Child Protection’. Seems to be easy, doesn’t it? All you have to do is put yourself in your child’s shoes and sense where the dangers could possibly lie. But you might get paranoid on discovering that most of the dangers lie within. 13-state National Study on Child Sexual Abuse released in 2007 conducted by the Ministry of Women and Child Development, UNICEF and Save The Children reported that 69 per cent of all Indian children are victims of physical, mental or emotional abuse, with New Delhi’s children facing an astounding abuse rate of 83.12 percent. The study by the South India Cell for Human Rights Education and Monitoring reported in 2011 that one woman molested every 26 minutes in India. 2 rapes take place every hour in our country and 1 in 5 victims is a child.
No more can we pretend that child abuse is restricted to remote villages in backwards areas. Rich or poor, urban or rural, boy or girl, 50% of child sexual abuse happens at home, inflicted mostly by chachas , mamas, close relatives, friends or servants of the family. The fact is that child abuse is India’s deepest and worst kept secret. And the bitter truth that is most families immediately drop a veil of secrecy over such incidents. An abused child, even if he has the courage to come up and tell his tale is either disbelieved or worse believed and asked to shuhh! ‘The family honour is at stake’. 71 per cent of sexual assault cases in India go unreported.
The extreme level of denial on part of the parents and fear on the part of the children that exists in most Indian homes often protects the abusers. They used to say it takes a village to raise a child, but today it takes a whole nation. The need of the hour is not to sensationalize but sensitize our children to the dangers rampant around them. The first question the Indian Prime Minister needs to ask his ministers today is not “How is the economy growing?” rather “How are the children growing?” Because if children are not growing well, we shall have sick traumatized adults struggling with various emotional disorders like depression, denial, disassociation and difficult relationships. Sexual abuse is another form of terrorism which must not be tolerated for another year, another day, another hour.
One hundred years from now, it will not matter what our bank accounts we had, the sort of house we lived in, or the kind of car we drove. But the world matter is how we brought up our child because that might make the world a better place to live in. We have to live up to the sacred faith reposed in us by our vulnerable little ones by making them feel secured, loved and well looked after. Some soul searching is badly required.
Are we really in constant, open communication with our children regarding their behavioral changes? Are we really in our children’s circle of trust, offering them unconditional love and support? Are we listening and believing them and not just shutting them up by saying ‘don’t talk rubbish about your elders’? Are we concerned and bold enough to take steps to help Misty a midst? (Below is the poem I once read on net.)
My name is Misty, I am but three,
My eyes are swollen, I cannot see.
I must not be loved, for I am punished with cigarette butts.
I must do right, I can’t do wrong,
Or else I am lockup, all week long.
When I awake, I am alone,
The house is dark, my folks are gone.
Be quiet now, I hear a car,
My dad is back from Charlie’s Bar.
I hear him curse, my name he calls,
I squeeze myself, against the wall.
On my bed, it’s too late,
His face is twisted into hate.
I feel the pain again and again.
Oh dear god! Please let it end.
My name is misty, I am but three,
Last night my farther, murdered me…
Old Age- A Curse?
“Thank you beta” he said as I gingerly handed him his medicines. No less than five tablets, all shapes, sizes and colors. “I am proud of my children” he said, turning his face around to look out of the window. There was not much to look out at except the back wall of the second wing of the hospital. As the day runs out the grayish wall turns all black melting into the bosom of the night. Tears well up in my eyes, as those old helpless hands, pierced with needles make a faint attempt seeking comfort in my arm. Suddenly the sound of the heart monitor becomes a monotonous beep, as his hand falls. In an instant he is no more. And as he takes his last breath all he has to say is “I am waiting for my son, I know he will come.” But no one came. A week later all that the old age home received was Rs.10, 000 draft and a letter saying “My father should be cremated in the most honorable and religious manner.”
Do you know when you are old? When people on the streets don’t look at you. They avoid meeting your eye and let their glance slide off the side of your head. Those people could be your own children. Old age has become a curse. Old parents too like other things have become disposable. Use them and throw them. Youngsters today feel no qualms in dumping people who are inconvenient in their lives. Yes! This is the same Indian parivaars, full of sanskars that our GEC serials show everyday and millions lap up with tears in their eyes.
Isn’t it sad that parents in our country still live only for their children by whom in the twilight of their lives they are disregarded and ignored? Isn’t it a curse for Indian parents to be so wired as to focus all their attention and emotions on their children with result that when that hub is gone most of them spend their last years in emotional turmoil and sheer mental agony.
Gone are those days when the grand patriarch and matriarch would reign secure in their domains with toddlers at their knees. Today they are marginalized, neglected and ill- treated. Today children have every good reason to casually shrug off their responsibilities towards their parents and venture out. Job offers are better, prospects of making good living brighter and well may be once in a while the old parents do get a chance to visit their children abroad where there are luxurious cars, swimming pools but no time for the ‘guest parents’. The poor parents are just nannies to their growing grand children. Till the time their visas expires and they return lonely and heart broken to their empty shells.
Unfortunately a silent revolution has occurred in the last 100 years- unseen, unknown and yet so close, that is increase in life expectancy leading to sharp rise in the number of old people. India which is today proud to have the largest number of young people in the world is poised to become the country with the second largest number of old people. It’s really a matter of shame that in our country 90% of old people don’t have social security at the age of 60.
The alarm bells are ringing loud and clear. If we do not heed these warning signals and change the scenario, if we do not start caring for our aged and enfeebled parents and grandparents then the day is not far when we shall have stepped into their shoes and shall be lamenting like the pathetic unwanted aged Lear of Shakespeare:
Pray do not mock me
I am a very foolish old man
Four score and upward
Not an hour more or less
And to deal plainly
I fear I am not in my perfect mind
Do you know when you are old? When people on the streets don’t look at you. They avoid meeting your eye and let their glance slide off the side of your head. Those people could be your own children. Old age has become a curse. Old parents too like other things have become disposable. Use them and throw them. Youngsters today feel no qualms in dumping people who are inconvenient in their lives. Yes! This is the same Indian parivaars, full of sanskars that our GEC serials show everyday and millions lap up with tears in their eyes.
Isn’t it sad that parents in our country still live only for their children by whom in the twilight of their lives they are disregarded and ignored? Isn’t it a curse for Indian parents to be so wired as to focus all their attention and emotions on their children with result that when that hub is gone most of them spend their last years in emotional turmoil and sheer mental agony.
Gone are those days when the grand patriarch and matriarch would reign secure in their domains with toddlers at their knees. Today they are marginalized, neglected and ill- treated. Today children have every good reason to casually shrug off their responsibilities towards their parents and venture out. Job offers are better, prospects of making good living brighter and well may be once in a while the old parents do get a chance to visit their children abroad where there are luxurious cars, swimming pools but no time for the ‘guest parents’. The poor parents are just nannies to their growing grand children. Till the time their visas expires and they return lonely and heart broken to their empty shells.
Unfortunately a silent revolution has occurred in the last 100 years- unseen, unknown and yet so close, that is increase in life expectancy leading to sharp rise in the number of old people. India which is today proud to have the largest number of young people in the world is poised to become the country with the second largest number of old people. It’s really a matter of shame that in our country 90% of old people don’t have social security at the age of 60.
The alarm bells are ringing loud and clear. If we do not heed these warning signals and change the scenario, if we do not start caring for our aged and enfeebled parents and grandparents then the day is not far when we shall have stepped into their shoes and shall be lamenting like the pathetic unwanted aged Lear of Shakespeare:
Pray do not mock me
I am a very foolish old man
Four score and upward
Not an hour more or less
And to deal plainly
I fear I am not in my perfect mind
They call it ‘Law’
Other day I was watching TLC when I got to know about a strange law in Singapore. Sale and import of chewing gum is banned in the country. I was dumbstruck!! Smokers and bibulous men are dangerous at times but why gum consumers? How can chewing gum harm anyone? What made the breed of thinking men come up with such a bizarre law? So I did a small research and found out people usually stick these gums at public property, key holes, elevator buttons and government face maintenance problem. Pretty odd law but then can’t deny this problem is genuine. Because of few nerds the government banned the consumption of chewing gums only!!
Later on, I surfed for other wired laws all over the globe and trust me most of them are so abstruse that you won’t believe lawmakers can come up with such outlandish regulations ever. Below is the list of few of them. Enjoy reading!!
Few Strange Laws:
1. In Virginia, the Code of 1930 has a statute which prohibits corrupt practices or bribery by any person other than political candidates.
2. In London, England, wife beating is legal just as long as it is not after 9pm and it doesn’t disturb the neighbors.
3. It is against the law in Germany to mention the date 1966 in any football ground.
4. In Miami You may not fart in a public place after 6 PM on Thursday.
5. It is illegal in Switzerland to flush the toilet after 10 pm.
6. If a person finds a lost child they can claim the child as their own is a parent does not turn up within 2 hours.
7. Attempting to escape from prison in Denmark is not illegal; however, if a person is caught he is required to serve out the remainder of his term.
8. In Florida, if you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.
9. California law prohibits a woman from driving a car while dressed in a housecoat.
10. In Indiana, it is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.
11. A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline in New York.
12. It is illegal for women to wear wigs.
13. In Victoria Australia, only a licensed electrician is allowed to change a light bulb.
14. It is illegal in Florida to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
15. In Ireland by law all Irishmen will create at least one amusing limerick each year.
16. It is illegal in France to die unless a cemetary plot has first been bought.
17. A barber is not to advertise prices in the State of Georgia.
18. In Michigan, married couples must live together or be imprisoned.
19. In France, it is forbidden to call a pig Napoleon.
20. In Kentucky, it's the law that a person must take a bath once a year.
21. In Georgia, it’s against the law to spread a false rumor.
22. In Missouri, a man must have a permit to shave.
23. In Indiana, liquor stores may not sell milk.
24. In Miami, it is forbidden to imitate an animal.
25. In England, it is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.
26. In New Jersey, cabbage can't be sold on Sunday.
27. It is against the law in Connecticut for a man to write love letters to a girl whose mother or father has forbidden the relationship.
28. In Michigan, it is against the law for a lady to lift her skirt more than 6 inches while walking through a mud puddle.
29. In Washington, USA, it is still an offence to pretend that you have rich parents.
30. In Oxford, Ohio, USA, it is still illegal for a woman to undress in front of a picture of a man.
31. In Virginia, chickens cannot lay eggs before 8:00 a.m., and must be done before 4:00 p.m.
32. In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
33. In Texas, it is a "hanging offense" to steal cattle.
34. In Victoria Australia it is forbidden to wear pink hot pants after mid-day on a Sunday.
35. In the UK, a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants – even, if she so requests, in a policeman’s helmet.
36. In Alexandria, Minnesota, USA, it is still illegal for a man who has garlic, onions or sardines on his breath to have sex with his wife.
37. In Logan County, Colorado, USA, it is still illegal to kiss a woman while she is asleep.
38. In Providence, Rhode Island, USA, it is still illegal for shop owners to sell toothpaste and toothbrushes to the same customer on a Sunday.
39. In St. Louis, Missouri, USA, it is still illegal for firemen to rescue women who are still in their nightdresses.
40. In Lebanon any man may legally have sex with any animal just as long as it is a female.
41. In Texas states criminals are required to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
42. In Ireland the first born son must always be given the name "Paddy".
43. In Israel it is illegal for a chicken to lay an egg on a Friday or Saturday.
44. In Israel picking your nose on Saturday is forbidden.
45. In Japan if an older brother asks to marry your girlfriend by law and honour you, and your girlfriend, must agree.
Later on, I surfed for other wired laws all over the globe and trust me most of them are so abstruse that you won’t believe lawmakers can come up with such outlandish regulations ever. Below is the list of few of them. Enjoy reading!!
Few Strange Laws:
1. In Virginia, the Code of 1930 has a statute which prohibits corrupt practices or bribery by any person other than political candidates.
2. In London, England, wife beating is legal just as long as it is not after 9pm and it doesn’t disturb the neighbors.
3. It is against the law in Germany to mention the date 1966 in any football ground.
4. In Miami You may not fart in a public place after 6 PM on Thursday.
5. It is illegal in Switzerland to flush the toilet after 10 pm.
6. If a person finds a lost child they can claim the child as their own is a parent does not turn up within 2 hours.
7. Attempting to escape from prison in Denmark is not illegal; however, if a person is caught he is required to serve out the remainder of his term.
8. In Florida, if you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.
9. California law prohibits a woman from driving a car while dressed in a housecoat.
10. In Indiana, it is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.
11. A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline in New York.
12. It is illegal for women to wear wigs.
13. In Victoria Australia, only a licensed electrician is allowed to change a light bulb.
14. It is illegal in Florida to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
15. In Ireland by law all Irishmen will create at least one amusing limerick each year.
16. It is illegal in France to die unless a cemetary plot has first been bought.
17. A barber is not to advertise prices in the State of Georgia.
18. In Michigan, married couples must live together or be imprisoned.
19. In France, it is forbidden to call a pig Napoleon.
20. In Kentucky, it's the law that a person must take a bath once a year.
21. In Georgia, it’s against the law to spread a false rumor.
22. In Missouri, a man must have a permit to shave.
23. In Indiana, liquor stores may not sell milk.
24. In Miami, it is forbidden to imitate an animal.
25. In England, it is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.
26. In New Jersey, cabbage can't be sold on Sunday.
27. It is against the law in Connecticut for a man to write love letters to a girl whose mother or father has forbidden the relationship.
28. In Michigan, it is against the law for a lady to lift her skirt more than 6 inches while walking through a mud puddle.
29. In Washington, USA, it is still an offence to pretend that you have rich parents.
30. In Oxford, Ohio, USA, it is still illegal for a woman to undress in front of a picture of a man.
31. In Virginia, chickens cannot lay eggs before 8:00 a.m., and must be done before 4:00 p.m.
32. In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
33. In Texas, it is a "hanging offense" to steal cattle.
34. In Victoria Australia it is forbidden to wear pink hot pants after mid-day on a Sunday.
35. In the UK, a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants – even, if she so requests, in a policeman’s helmet.
36. In Alexandria, Minnesota, USA, it is still illegal for a man who has garlic, onions or sardines on his breath to have sex with his wife.
37. In Logan County, Colorado, USA, it is still illegal to kiss a woman while she is asleep.
38. In Providence, Rhode Island, USA, it is still illegal for shop owners to sell toothpaste and toothbrushes to the same customer on a Sunday.
39. In St. Louis, Missouri, USA, it is still illegal for firemen to rescue women who are still in their nightdresses.
40. In Lebanon any man may legally have sex with any animal just as long as it is a female.
41. In Texas states criminals are required to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
42. In Ireland the first born son must always be given the name "Paddy".
43. In Israel it is illegal for a chicken to lay an egg on a Friday or Saturday.
44. In Israel picking your nose on Saturday is forbidden.
45. In Japan if an older brother asks to marry your girlfriend by law and honour you, and your girlfriend, must agree.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Every Winner Has Scars
As a victim of circumstances, for a very long time I believed hard luck chased me. From marks in school, to college competitions, I always had a feeling of being a “loser”. It was not like I didn’t work hard, but something bizarre always used to block my way. Captain Gopinath in his autobiography “Simply Fly” has described a phrase ‘chance events’- those decisions which have power to dictate our lives. But unfortunately my each chance event used to turn out to be a horrible disaster. Further in life some heart shattering incidents where trust was broken, faith was questioned, truth was beaten by lie made me lose faith in god. I refused to enter the arenas where my fear of being a loser would nag me.
One day I bumped into my college teacher in an Italian café. I remember how she was always proud of my undaunted spirit to strive hard and move up in life. She taught me for a year and a half, but there was an unspeakable bond from my end for her and a certain level of respect I used to see in her eyes for myself. She was shocked at my sappy behavior at the cafe but didn’t react much. I read many questions in her eyes which I ignored to answer. We exchanged numbers and parted our ways.
On her 50th Birthday she invited me for a cup of coffee at her place. I still remember how uncomfortable I was, just wanted to run away from her living room. After some vivid conversations about those good old days and extreme climate of North India she finally spilled her heart out freely. She judged from my attitude about my hard line approach towards my fear of being a loser. She didn’t ask me anything like others, “why you are acting like a chicken?”, “why you are afraid of taking risk?”, “why this or why that?”. She knew if I would have had these answers I wouldn’t be behaving so cruelly with myself. She said calmly while poring the coffee in the cup, “you know, often life throws curve balls and force us to pose the question “Why Me”? We might won’t get the answer that moment but one day time will teach us that nothing in the world is ever completely useless. Perhaps the time when it goes wrong is teaching us something. There is providence in the fall of a sparrow even.” I found a palpable sense of concern in her words. Reluctantly I said, “Time has taught me I am a loser. Its better I should accept the fact sooner and try to find a new path which can correspond to my winning abilities.”
She remained quite for a while, and that silence obviously didn’t mean consent. And then she dropped few thought provoking words which are indelibly the ground breaking reality for people like me who feels the same at certain point in life. She looked at me and said “Sweetheart, sometimes we don’t understand why god wants us to fight for things which we could have got easily or say we deserve them. Trust me often you won’t discover the significance of that fight also.” Suddenly I asked those prohibited words “why me”? She continued with a smile “In life one needs either inspiration or desperation for being a winner. When we start our journey we need to have sufficient courage to commit errors, face defeats, disappointments and despair. Pitiful is the person who is afraid of moving ahead in life in the fear of dashing his hopes. This attitude won’t ever let him recognize the talents god bestowed on him”. I got my lesson!
Today I am a different person warts and all. I dare to undertake the uncertain voyage of facing my fears to shape my destiny. And those defeats have actually made me realize the real taste of success.
One day I bumped into my college teacher in an Italian café. I remember how she was always proud of my undaunted spirit to strive hard and move up in life. She taught me for a year and a half, but there was an unspeakable bond from my end for her and a certain level of respect I used to see in her eyes for myself. She was shocked at my sappy behavior at the cafe but didn’t react much. I read many questions in her eyes which I ignored to answer. We exchanged numbers and parted our ways.
On her 50th Birthday she invited me for a cup of coffee at her place. I still remember how uncomfortable I was, just wanted to run away from her living room. After some vivid conversations about those good old days and extreme climate of North India she finally spilled her heart out freely. She judged from my attitude about my hard line approach towards my fear of being a loser. She didn’t ask me anything like others, “why you are acting like a chicken?”, “why you are afraid of taking risk?”, “why this or why that?”. She knew if I would have had these answers I wouldn’t be behaving so cruelly with myself. She said calmly while poring the coffee in the cup, “you know, often life throws curve balls and force us to pose the question “Why Me”? We might won’t get the answer that moment but one day time will teach us that nothing in the world is ever completely useless. Perhaps the time when it goes wrong is teaching us something. There is providence in the fall of a sparrow even.” I found a palpable sense of concern in her words. Reluctantly I said, “Time has taught me I am a loser. Its better I should accept the fact sooner and try to find a new path which can correspond to my winning abilities.”
She remained quite for a while, and that silence obviously didn’t mean consent. And then she dropped few thought provoking words which are indelibly the ground breaking reality for people like me who feels the same at certain point in life. She looked at me and said “Sweetheart, sometimes we don’t understand why god wants us to fight for things which we could have got easily or say we deserve them. Trust me often you won’t discover the significance of that fight also.” Suddenly I asked those prohibited words “why me”? She continued with a smile “In life one needs either inspiration or desperation for being a winner. When we start our journey we need to have sufficient courage to commit errors, face defeats, disappointments and despair. Pitiful is the person who is afraid of moving ahead in life in the fear of dashing his hopes. This attitude won’t ever let him recognize the talents god bestowed on him”. I got my lesson!
Today I am a different person warts and all. I dare to undertake the uncertain voyage of facing my fears to shape my destiny. And those defeats have actually made me realize the real taste of success.
Dare to Dream!
T.E. Lawrence once said, 'All men dream: but not equally.'
People who don't have a dream, only have choice of traps.
You've got to figure out what you really want and follow that passionately. You are 'special' to this cosmos because 'you' have the courage to pass through inevitable obstacles and some soul shattering failures, followed by cynicism and criticism. And again its only 'you' who has got invariable energy to continue the undertaken journey.
Your willingness to commit yourself to this dream by not letting your presistance to be dampened by discouragement & your hard work without despair shall make you achieve the impossible. It is relentless pressure that creates a crack. So, if you decide not to give up till your dream comes true, there's nothing that can stop you from achieving it.
Quoting George Bernard Shaw "You see things, and you say 'WHY', but I dream things that never were, and I say, 'WHY NOT'?
People who don't have a dream, only have choice of traps.
You've got to figure out what you really want and follow that passionately. You are 'special' to this cosmos because 'you' have the courage to pass through inevitable obstacles and some soul shattering failures, followed by cynicism and criticism. And again its only 'you' who has got invariable energy to continue the undertaken journey.
Your willingness to commit yourself to this dream by not letting your presistance to be dampened by discouragement & your hard work without despair shall make you achieve the impossible. It is relentless pressure that creates a crack. So, if you decide not to give up till your dream comes true, there's nothing that can stop you from achieving it.
Quoting George Bernard Shaw "You see things, and you say 'WHY', but I dream things that never were, and I say, 'WHY NOT'?
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